| 1702 2009 |
Porn!*
Posted by: Elaine @ 11:32 pmCategories: Adventures, Debunking, Elaine's Favourites, Men
As the author of the Kau Lui Guide, I thought I’d be glad when men became steadily more outspoken and have actually started approaching girls (might be something that comes with age).
But when getting them to talk to you means receiving questions like ‘do you watch porn’ and ‘what’s your motto at work’ then maybe I should have just written a guide on how to jerk yourself off.
Here, some revisions to the Kau Lui Guide. PLEASE study up.
- ‘Why do your friends need fake eyelashes but you don’t?’ is not a compliment.
- You know how they say that women show off their cleavage so that men can look at it? Well it’s WRONG. Women show off their cleavage so that good-looking men can look at it, and so that average-looking men can glance at it discreetly, and as for less-than-average-looking men, please try and keep a low profile–it only takes one misstep to earn you a reputation as That Creep From The Party.
- Hitting on a woman who is way out of your league works two ways, and two ways only: Fame or Money.
- Telling me the size of your penis is not the way to go. As far as my experience goes, men with large penises never mention it. Men who can’t shut up about how huge they are, are usually microscopic.
- Asking me what sexual positions I prefer is not a cheeky way to make me think about sex. What it does do, is kick off a discussion between the tiny angel on my left shoulder and the tiny devil on my right shoulder, on the justifications of burying my stiletto heel in your eye.
- If I were a guy and I wanted to try and make two straight girls kiss each other, I would only pick (a) drunk girls, or (b) skanks. So if a guy is sober, and I’m sober, and he’s not joking, but he’s trying to get me to kiss another girl, he must think I’m a skank, and I must be thus repulsed by any further interaction of any sort with him. Capische?
- No, you cannot get into my car unless you are invited before we leave the venue. Also, the last time I checked, failure to comply with this rule warrants a police arrest.
- If you’re not terribly charming in normal situations, do not attempt any compliments on a woman’s figure.
- A few times, some of you offered to get a girl a drink, had her place her order, and then just sat there like you forgot about it. What. The heck. I just… I don’t even… Whatever. Have a nice life.
- The dating game sucks.
* Vaguely-relevant keyword bait for Google hits.
28 Responses to “Porn!*”
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February 18th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Dayum girl! You can’t blame us for staring at your cleavages so long when they contain so much “terms and conditions”!
Regarding point #3 though, based on what I’ve seen, hitting on a chick way out of our league works if you have fame, money, or if you are white.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:33 am
what would out of one’s league be defined as? is this purely on aesthetics alone? never quite got the whole meaning of that phrase in general…
i enjoyed the original anyhoo
February 18th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Re: blog title, I assume you are testing our new spam filter.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
I don’t think the dating game sucks (haha… what can I say? I’m not even in it), but yes, the dating game, in that place where all those weirdos were floating around, talking about eyelashes and what not, most definitely sucked.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Kenny: Maybe I’ll just print the T&C on my cleavage. That’s the only place you guys ever look! Re: being white–white guys are associated with money, as well as a list of Bizarre Perceived Benefits (BPB). If they’re not rich, they’re soon dumped. Unless he is within or exceeding the girl’s league (see below).
Tamtim: Thanks! Well, I factor in a lot of things to how the ‘league’ is assessed (in order of importance for me): (1) looks, (2) charm, (3) intelligence, (4) behaviour. If a guy fulfills the other three but, for instance, is an idiot, I’m out of his league. Should someone fall short as such, money and popularity/reputation, as well as other Bizarre Perceived Benefits (BPB) would be his redeeming qualities. Maybe.
Anyone who has been to, is currently in, or might someday visit Asia:
BPB for white guys
1. Bragging rights, due to benefits #2 - 8
2. Appeals to a fetish for the Aryan / Exotic
3. Appeals to a fetish for weird accents
4. Mixing coloured eyes, coloured hair and fairer skin into the gene pool
5. Possibility of larger girth
6. New-ness: Fascinating stories of travel and displacement, exotic hometowns, the intriguing discovery process of each other’s cultural differences, etc etc.
7. Visa to a different country upon marriage
8. Cosmopolitan image of supposed added sophistication and worldliness
9. Detaches us from feelings of absolute boiling hate against all the idiotic Asian men we’ve put up with prior
Jenny: Google hits!!!! Also, once you find someone great, the dating game is pretty awesome really. But until then, IT SUCKS.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
2) Therein lies your problem. Your T&C needs to specifically define good-looking men. One man’s meat……
3) I’ll have to agree with Encik Sia here. You can be white, penniless and 56 and still score. Of course, the reverse is not true if you’re Asian, penniless and 56. Life just sucks when you’re the latter in a Western country.
10) You’re partially right here. The dating game sucks and sucks well if and only if you ask very nicely and treat her like a lady. ;P
February 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
BTW (and I left this out), the reason most Asian men need a kau lui guide in the first place is because they lack confidence, balls, cojones, whatever you want to call it, and timing (as in the correct time to act like a bastard, and the correct time to be a gentleman).
February 18th, 2009 at 11:19 am
The dating game sucks indeed.
Why can’t real life be more like The Sims, where all you gotta do is speak some random gibberish to each other before you select the option to “WooHoo!”
February 18th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Rambling Mind: An unattractive 56-year-old white guy too broke to buy any food, drinks or trinkets would NOT score. If he does, he’s scoring with equally unattractive women.
Kenny: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes and half a day on the treadmill makes a fat round girl trim and toned!
February 18th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
porn = good keyword for traffic!(One of my biggest google traffic comes from the keyword “foot fetish” and it had nothing to do with foot fetishes) Are you trying to pull in pervs to your site? or maybe try to educate them with your list ;p
February 20th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I have an average-sized penis. Where does that place me in #4?
*stares at your cleavage*
February 20th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Min Wye: Don’t you all start copying suit now, or it’ll be *much* less effective!
Linky: All men exaggerrate their penis size. So…
February 20th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Rambling Mind:
How to DEFINE a good-looking person — Nice hair, nice eyes, nice nose, nice mouth, nice face shape, nice head shape… That’s just the head. Then we go on to neck and shoulders. Nice neck, nice width of shoulders, nice breadth of shoulders, nice slant of shoulders, nice proportion of shoulders (if one is miles longer than the other, then fail test)… And so on.
Hope you found this helpful.
Mr. Anonymous:
Re: #4; I think what Elaine was saying, is NO REFERENCES TO PENIS. haha…
March 7th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Wahey! A dating guide…oh wait, I am out of the league.. and I am not white. sigh… Ha, a nice post by the way, thoroughly laughing like mad while reading it. ;p
March 8th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
An insult done in the right manner almost always works. But if the guy is at any point incongruent as regards his speech and body language, he is out.
You know I am right
March 9th, 2009 at 2:42 am
In my experience, going up to a girl is not the biggest problem. It’ll be “Hi..” in the most smoky voice I can manage. And then the big smiles when she realizes that this guy has noticed her and is trying his very best to talk to her.
The problem starts after that. “Having fun?”. And it’ll be replied with “Mmmm..yeah”, or even worse, the dreaded “OK la”. And then the coolness just crumbles, persperation breaks as you realize she’s not going to make an effort to keep this conversation flowing.
Is this how it should be? If approached by a girl, and she’s having a tough time, the right thing to do is assure her with a “it’s alrite” or a “go ahead, i’m not going anywhere..” with a smile.
Do girls who are truly interested actually try to help a struggling guy out? My experience with this has otherwise, or maybe all of them were just not interested
March 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
George: Actually, I don’t know what you’re saying…
Pavan: you’ve raised an excellent point. It’s one of my biggest peeves in soializing, when the conversation dies out, and try as you might to sustain it, it doesn’t pick up because the other person simply isn’t cooperative.
There are three reasons this happens: (1) either party is unfriendly, (2) the other party wants you to just go away, or (3) they’re not too bright. First of all the party that does the approaching should try harder to keep the conversation going, but girls who are interested and still can’t muster up a decent flow because they can’t think of anything, would giggle a lot and their body language would be much less reserved.
By the way if it’s your first time approaching a girl, the ’smokiest voice you can manage’ can be scary. Whether or not that’s your intention, that voice tells me you want sex, immediately. I would spend the whole night avoiding you.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Hahahahaha.
Great post. When I said “the most smoky voice”, doesn’t really go to an extent of Darth Vader 
Hahaha. It’s still a normal voice. My statement was very misleading.
So what do I do, just move on and find someone cooperative?
March 10th, 2009 at 2:58 am
HAHAH it’s interesting because it’s all bullshit.
Honestly what a girl says and what she does are two very different things. And when she ends up doing the ‘different things’ she’ll find some excuse for doing them.
“Oh it just happened.” or “I was high.” or “He looked hot enough on the dancefloor.” …all BS excuses btw. Women are pretty lost about what they really want.
So if you’re not rich, famous or angmoh enough to attract them SPG types don’t fret. By the lords if I had a dollar for everytime some chick defined her ‘type’ of guy and ended up dating the opposite…
March 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Pavan: Depends on how picky you are. I know men who simply point-blank refuse to date women who can’t hold a conversation, and hence only get about one phone number a year which they follow-up with. But some men are impatient, and hate going to a party ‘fruitlessly’. So if it’s slim pickings, I guess you go with the body language thing.
Roger: If you’ve read my blog entry carefully, you’ll realize your misdirected bitterness.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
How to Kao Lui… lol. I think a better book will be ‘How to make girls kow you’ since most of the time they are attracted to factors opposite to what make sense, what they think and what they supposedly like. =)
I think guys shouldn’t worry about ‘kow lui’ so much and just focus on what they should do and i guess the rest is automatic. Why go manual when girls are mostly base on instinct, temperament and emotions. Guys shouldn’t have a motive, and writing a book on ‘How to Kao Lui’ is actually encouraging us to pretend, and adjust to something that is fluctuating.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Don’t conveniently misread me lol. I’m not saying that being socially mis-calibrated will still garner you a chance to shag like the Energizer bunny jacked up on Tongkat Ali Redbull.
However, I stand firm that regardless of what A, B, and C criteria a woman feels would bestow upon you the ability to ‘be in her league’, it tends to not matter on an individual basis. They do help of course
If you’re not A, B or C and she goes home with you, she’d just tell her friends the next morning that you were ‘charming’ or some other quality that allowed you to circumvent not having A, B or C. The criteria are not the be-all-end-all.
Additionally, some girls really really really overestimate their league. If you’re hot and think you deserve to be top-league I’m cool with that, dawg. But then there’re those who look like their face got stepped on by the mighty boots of Chuck Norris himself and still think they’re the shit…
March 11th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Roger, I get you. “In my league” is a very subjective thing, and yes, some women do have a superiority complex. I have an old entry, called, Female, 27, still single here–> http://antithesis2.net/?p=689 that really irked me on the “league” issue.
But I think you and Elaine are talking about very different things. She told me the unabridged version of the night’s events. And it was drooling, sloppy, stinky, inebriated, leery, creepy-bordering-on-sexual harrassment excuses for humans that seemed to think they had rights(!) to random people. Random, MENTALLY SANE people.
Which they do not.
If you think she was referring in a way, to some situation you endured at some time that she wasn’t involved in, I really don’t think she was.
You appear to be quite “all there”. Bitter, yes. But all there.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Your post cracks me up. I agree with almost everything you said except that I think Kenny Sia has a good point about white guys. Even gross/poor/middle-aged white guys can attract Asian girls way out of their league when in Asia. In the U.S., this isn’t true, but in Asia, I see it all the time in public.
I mean not that white guys are bad, I’m just not sure even that list of BPB really explains the attraction of Asian girls to white guys. Although maybe its because I’m an ABC who grew up around a lot of white guys and it could be that their rarity/unfamiliarity in Asia is what makes them special.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Bitter?? LOLOMG! I wish I had that sort of horrible life experience to mold into fodder for my words. But… I don’t.
Looks like I need a more chilled-out ranty style of writing.
On Asian guys, I’m of the impression that they’re an emo lot. Too much of them Chinese music videos where the singer carries the lifeless body of his beau through the rain while crying and belting out the chorus.
I had a run in with a prime example of an emo-kid… read about it here ->http://republicofawesome.com/stories/emo-momo/
March 12th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Laynie , you’re right about me. I don’t see the point. How can you bond with someone who only knows how to be cute? What relationship can you create with a person who only knows how to answer questions, and can’t ask any intelligent ones ? If she’s hot, very good, but for how long can I stare at that pretty face?
It’ll be like dating a really slim 52′ LCD Screen.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
hi elaine.
site looks great.
curious.
wat spam filter are u using?
cos dammit. im being bombarded with spam from retards.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Hi Justin,
We use Akismet. Hope that helps!